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Teisho October 5 (1992)
by Harada Tangen Roshi, Bukkoku-Ji
This day of sesshin is already on its way to an end. Steadily, steadily, the days pass, there is no slowing down the time. There is just this step by this step by this step. There is no slowing down the time. Is your this step lazy, is your step of distraction?
Or is your practice, your every breath honest. Honestly one, mind and body thrown off. It's your own world. What are you doing with it? My legs hurt, this hurts and that hurts. This dharma vessel just does not function as I wanted to. But it's very straightforward. Let the pain come. I hope that you can be grateful for the pain, joyful. Or do you let it make a wimp of you? You do have courage. If you break through the shell of your own small self judging, than even fire is cool. There is a festival in high mountains in Nagano prefecture, at a shrine. The practitioners are required to sit in a midst of a fire. Their vow is to give up their body for the sake of all beings. And with this deep prayer, this vow, they have the belief and the zazen power to sit through the fire. If you don't have a strong vow, if you don't have strong belief, you won't be able to, you won't have the zazen power to sit through everything.
Even among those of you who have a strong vow, there are varying degrees. Vietnam was caught up in a sad and horrible war, and at that time there were those who poured gasoline over themselves and set themselves on fire. To talk about the vow of each one in the terms of good and bad is to make light of it. It's a question of determination. How steady, how unmovable is your determination. Please, straighten your determination, drop your weakness.
Determined to steadily continue this doing, no matter what. Those who wholeheartedly practice, you are practicing mightily, but you will find yourself facing the silver mountain, the I am cliff. You come up against this force. Do you let it stop you? Do you give up? If your aim is so shallow, then you won't burst through. Cast off, body and mind, from the roots. Throw yourself full force into this.
Throw down the self and your day will come. Let go of self and your chance will come. Dig the meat out of the shell, drop it, and the shell is a free vessel. Dive in full force, and full force you will shoot up to the surface.
Throw away self-cherishing. Throwing away is putting everything into it. It's giving this all you've got. Putting yourself on the line, not grasping on to the self as this body. You know that there is so much more. With the aim to practice for life and death, you are prepared to risk everything. Can't say this enough, can't be said strongly enough. Selfish desires of I want this, I hate that, I want to do that, I won't do this, I can't do this, I can't do that, what should I do? Dig all this out. Bring it away. You won't be sorry.
Determine, make the determination that this time, I won't let this kind of doubts and confusion overtake me.
Then, a little pain in the knees sets you back. I understand that pain is pain. When it hurts, it does hurt. But your attitude has to be all encompassing. Alright, if you want to hurt me, go ahead. They are all levels of pain. You don't try to escape, no matter how severe the pain, you don't try to escape. No matter what arises. Just do what it is you've got to do. If you are not doing it, then you are relying on your own small judgments, on your misunderstanding, your own falls view of the world. Your complaints, and your gripes, and your frustrations, and your dissatisfactions, all this is misunderstanding. You are never being pleased about anything, you are never feeling like things are just alright. Your having to gnash your teeth over everything, the tight miserly way that you face the world.
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